Opening up about mental health

During Mental Health Awareness Week, former England gymnast and campaigner Nicole Pavier shares how her time as an elite gymnast has impacted her mental health.

This week is Mental Health Awareness Week in the UK and I want to take this chance to talk openly about how gymnastics affected my mental health as an athlete and how it continues to impact me now.

I’m writing this with the aim of lifting the lid on mental health, reducing the stigma, highlighting the detrimental impact poor treatment can have on athletes’ wellbeing and ensuring everyone feels supported to talk and get the help they need.

This post is for everyone; gymnasts, parents, coaches, anyone supporting an athlete or those that have struggled with abuse or their mental health.

I was a gymnast for twelve years on an elite pathway. During that time, I was subject to mistreatment, bullying, and abusive coaching that had a hugely detrimental impact on both my physical and mental health which I’ve carried through my whole life. I was often made to believe that I was not good enough, that I was overweight and too heavy to be a gymnast, or that I was lying about pain and injuries.

It was continuously reinforced that I was a problem – difficult, stubborn and lazy. Not only did this take away my enjoyment and love from the sport, but I was left with a severe eating disorder that worsened my injuries and triggered my medical retirement. I also developed PTSD, body dysmorphia, and anxiety.

After leaving the sport I struggled with a large amount of fear, anger and confusion about what had happened. I didn’t know who to turn to, or who could help after my complaints were consistently dismissed. Gymnastics is wonderful but I had become institutionalised and didn’t understand the extent of the mistreatment I had faced until I was training to be a nurse.

“The stereotypical ‘perfect’ gymnast body to a coach or a judge will be completely unattainable for many, and potentially dangerous to achieve”

My experiences affect my adult life greatly – I fear failure, spend time believing that I’m not good enough at work or in my home life, and often become frightened and shutdown. The PTSD continues to negatively impact my sleep, and I avoid things that bring up bad memories. Trauma therapy has slightly lessened the impact these things have on my daily life, but the pain does still persist.

I’ve spent many years since retiring struggling with excessive exercise and insufficient fuelling of my body. Even after therapy, I still spend a lot of my day challenging my thought processes around what I eat and the negative thoughts I have about my body. For now, I don’t have an exercise regime outside of walking a lot at work because of ongoing physical injuries from gymnastics and having relapsed into unhealthy patterns of wanting my body to be ‘perfect’.  These behaviours disrupt my work-life balance as an adult; setting boundaries and allowing myself rest and time to recover from injuries and illness can be difficult because of the expectations placed on me to work through them as a young athlete.

In terms of nutrition and eating behaviours, gymnastics as a sport has led to many having disordered eating. When someone’s weight, and their physical appearance is put on a pedestal above how they are able to perform, it will inevitably have a huge impact. The stereotypical ‘perfect’ gymnast body to a coach or a judge will be completely unattainable for many, and potentially dangerous to achieve – especially if it involves huge dietary restrictions. I often found that the advice I was given was not based on science or what was best for me as an athlete. Fuelling yourself through workouts and through healing and injury is key to performance.  

There was also pressure from outside the gym. Being a girl and looking different, as a child I was often embarrassed and self-conscious. I’m often still unhappy with how I look today because of the continuous negative reinforcement about me and my body. It’s so important to remember that everyone’s body is unique to them; we are all powerful and beautiful in our own way. It is our bodies that allow us to live, breathe and do the sport that we love. I wish someone had told me that.

“We need to empower everyone to be healthy – mentally and physically.”

As athletes, we should be empowered to find our individual strengths for our bodies. We need to fuel our bodies to succeed in training - having the ‘perfect’ body is not what makes you a good gymnast; being successful comes from perseverance and hard work in training.

The negative impact gymnastics had on my mental health has had a huge impact on my life. It has taken a lot of support and personal work, but I’m doing well. It’s my hope that we as a community can help create change for a happier future. Mental health will, however, remain important because even under perfect conditions anyone can suffer with anxiety or mental health problems. We need to empower everyone to be healthy – mentally and physically.

Working with Gymnasts for Change and using our collective voice to highlight poor treatment and abuse of gymnasts is the first step. Better treatment of athletes will help alleviate many of the problems and getting accountability for the abuse suffered will play a huge part in the healing process for many. Secondary to that is increasing the education on mental health to everyone involved.

It is also important to increase the support available to athletes and families, whether that be through clubs, more resources, mental health champions or athlete support/advisors. All of this should be in addition to the necessary treatment and support without judgement or fear of being reprimanded for having a mental health diagnosis. We need to empower gymnasts and promote happy, healthy mindsets so they can believe in themselves and aid their development into strong and powerful adults.

There are so many challenges faced by young athletes and their families. These challenges can develop so many life skills, but we must allow the time to recover and rest. Competitive sports can, at times, be very lonely and isolating but there is lots of support if you need it.

My tips and advice for taking care of your mental health and wellbeing:

• Take time for yourself and be kind to yourself.

• Find a selection of things or activities that make you happy and feel calm. For me that might be reading, having a hot bath or playing with my rabbits. You have to find what helps you.

• Take care of each other. Everyone is facing their own issues and showing kindness to everyone can make a huge difference when they are having difficulties.

• Take time to educate yourself on nutrition and other issues that athletes face. Read stories and understand how you can avoid problems.

• Use your strength and voice to highlight wrong advice, mistreatment, bullying or abuse towards yourself or others (easier said than done I know). Gymnasts for Change and the NSPCC are always there to listen.

• Love your body because it allows you to wake up every day and do what you love.

• If you are struggling, talk to someone and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Whether it be a friend, teacher, your coach or GP.

• You can find lots of great resources on Mind, Beat, Young Minds and Gymnasts for Change.

After such a tough year, where mental health has been in the spotlight even more, we need to stand together in solidarity and support each other through our struggles and lift each other up in our successes. Gymnastics is a tough but beautiful sport. Education, patience, and understanding is our path forward to build better futures for everyone involved.

I hope that by sharing my experiences and the effects it had, and continues to have, on my mental health people will feel able to talk about their own mental health without the stigma once associated with it. Having the support of friends, family and healthcare professionals has made the world of difference in my recovery.